The Top 5 Most Unreadable Books On My Bookshelf

I am a picky monster when it comes to the shows I watch, the music I listen to, and especially the books I read. This doesn’t mean that I have extremely high standards (Let’s be real, I’ve watched every single episode of The Biggest Loser, and I’ve read the entire Twilight saga twice), but I do have particular standards. Which, in a few ways, can be even more annoying.

What this means is that there is an awful lot of books that are sitting around my house unfinished. And, chances are, they never will be.  Because even though they are well written, many of them critically acclaimed, there is just something that makes them unreadable. Books like…

1. The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins

The American public has very strong opinions of Richard Dawkins, usually “That man is an affront to God, and I absolutely cannot stand him,” or “That man is an affront to God, and I absolutely worship the ground he walks on.” Since I am an atheist, it is generally assumed that my opinion aligns with the latter. This really isn’t the case. I’ll just say that he’s a highly intelligent and extremely eloquent man with some irritating flaws.

My opinion of The God Delusion is very similar to my opinion of its author. It’s a highly intelligent and extremely eloquent book with some irritating flaws (mainly his preaching to the choir). Ultimately, its flaws outweigh its charm, rendering me unable to get past the fourth chapter.

2. The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

I honestly like the book. I love Tolkien. I love Middle-earth. Lord of the Rings changed my life.  The fact that I cannot, for the life of me, get through a complete reading of The Hobbit is one of the most ridiculous facts of my life.

I will not try to argue that The Hobbit is, in any way, a bad book. This is really just a matter of personal tastes. I don’t find any of the main characters to be relatable to me. I know that when one reads Tolkien you need to expect a lot of black and white morality, but it’s a little too heavy for my tastes. Mix that with the fact that it’s a tale for a younger audience, and you have a great book that cannot hold my interest in the slightest. I wonder how much my opinion would differ if I had tried to read this book when I was still a child.

3. The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama

Lazy blogger is lazy. I can take my very simplistic opinion of Richard Dawkins and easily apply it to Barack Obama. But in this case I find Obama’s flaws to be more irritating by a factor of ten. I will admit that my vote for him in the last election was a vote for the lesser evil. (I don’t think his victory came about from approval of his policies so much as disapproval of Mitt Romney’s douche-baggery.)

The first time I attempted a reading of The Audacity of Hope was in the middle of his first campaign for the presidency. I was fully swept up in the mania surrounding him, and soaked up the first few chapters with glee. But as the book wore on it became startlingly apparent that he was using a lot of nice words and phrases, but he wasn’t imparting anything wise or useful. I quickly got bored and discarded the book.

4. Any book ever written by Jane Austen

I am the least romantic person I know. I’d rather gouge out an eye then pay money to see a romcom. I will only read romance novels for the sex scenes. And I think Jane Austen novels are boring as hell.

Suck it.

5.  A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess

The movie adaptation of A Clockwork Orange is probably on my top ten list of favorite movies ever. It’s creepy, compelling, and Malcolm McDowell was a total babe back in his day. (Like totes hawt, omg!) If you haven’t watched it yet, stop reading this and get yourself to the closest source of Netflix instant stream.  Scoot along now.

But we aren’t talking about the movie; we’re talking about the book. I’ve made it to about page two.  I found those two pages so ridiculously unreadable that I immediately returned it to my bookshelf to be a display piece.

What was so awful about it? To quote the first paragraph:

 “’What’s it going to be then, eh?’There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie, and Dim. Dim being really dim, and we sat in the Korova Milkbar making up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening, a flip dark chill winter bastard though dry. The Korova Milkbar was a milk-plus mesto, and you may, O my brothers, have forgotten what these mestos were like, things changing so skorry these days and everybody very quick to forget, newspapers not being read much neither.”
 

Wait, what? No. What? No.

One of my first requirements when picking out literature is that I need to be able to understand what the fuck you are talking about.

I’d go on (there are many, many more books I could talk about), but I’m getting bored and I have a sudden hankering to read some cheesy fantasy novel. Feel free mention which books you find unreadable in the comments below. Or just call me an idiot. Whichever. It’s your life.

Skinny Bitch Is Just Horrible

Whenever I’ve gone online to search for weight loss information, it doesn’t take long before I find  “thinspo”.  For those who don’t know, Urban Dictionary defines thinspo as:

Thinspo is a abbrievation for thinspiration. Thinspiration is two words put together to create a simular but different meaning. Thin and inspiration. Thinspo is used by people suffering from eating disorders to help keep them inspired. The idea behind thinspo is that it helps motivate and inspire you to lose weight and become or stay thin.

The “weight loss” and “fitness” tags on Tumblr are just littered with the stuff. And if you search for it directly, you are littered with gems such as:

And this:

It was on Tumblr that I first heard of Skinny Bitch.  The thinspo folk praise this shit out of this book. This alone was enough to tell me this book was bad news, but I bought it anyways. Yes, I bought a book because a bunch of starved baked potatoes on tumblr told me it was the best thing ever.

Were they right? Is it the best thing ever? Well, in a word, no.

Time for some context. Skinny Bitch by Rory Freedman and and Kim Barnouin, is a diet book advocating a vegan lifestyle in order to lose weight. It was released in 2005, but it didn’t see a lot of popularity until Victoria Beckham was seen carrying it around. By the summer of 2007 it was on the best sellers lists in the US and the UK. 

I am currently trying to transition myself into a vegan diet, but this is no thanks to Skinny Bitch. Even though the authors are arguing for a cause I believe strongly in (veganism), their methods and information are so horrid that I cannot, in good conscious, support it. This book is an absolute travesty. Belittling and insulting language. Tons of anti-feminist sentiments. Pseudoscience galore.

While taking notes for this book, the phrase “That’s not how that works!” showed up 11 times.  I think that’s the most appropriate summary I could give of this book.  

Fruit rots and ferments in your stomach when eaten with other foods? That’s not how that works.

Aspertame causes arthritis, fibromyalgia, lupus, MS, diabetes, and a few other scary diseases? Um, no. That’s not how that works.

You need to drink eight glasses of water a day to flush the toxins out of your body? That’s not how that fucking works.

Many people experience horrible illnesses, like cancer, because they carry around negative feelings and emotions? My gawd, ladies, did it ever occur to you to research this shit before vomiting it on paper? THAT’S NOT HOW THAT WORKS!!

But all of that insanity isn’t even the main problem I have with “Skinny Bitch”. The real reason I bring up this 7 year old “health” book is much more subtle.

The first time I read Skinny Bitch was about a year ago. I was in a rough place, mentally. I felt ugly, fat, and useless. I would hardly make the effort on my appearance, because I just didn’t see the point. I was hideous no matter how I dressed myself up. I spent all my time trying stupid diets, looking at the thinspo on tumblr, and trying new exercise regimes. This book seemed like a godsend at a time when I felt so horrible.

It’s like these people knew me. And they knew what was best for me. I was a fat pig and a stupid pussy, but I knew I could change. Be better.

Back then I didn’t pay attention to the obvious flaws in the science and philosophy. When the authors openly admitted to not following all of their rules, or said they just wrote the book for publicity, I just glanced right over. But when they told me I was a lazy shit…

Reading it through a second time was amazing. All of this bullshit, clouded by my former insecurities, was now so horrifically vivid. And I’m not just talking about the brutal sections on animal torture. The authors of this book have a great talent for replicating that voice inside of your head that tells you you’re fat and useless. 

Some of my favorite thinspo gems from this book include:

“Don’t be a pig anymore. You know what you have to do, now do it. But don’t go anorexic on us, either.”

“Every day in every way my ass is getting smaller.”

“If you think you are fat and that diets never work and that you’ll always be fat, then yes, you are fat and diets never work and you will always be fat…So if you feel you are meant to be thin, and believe Skinny Bitch will make you lose weight and know that this book is going to change your life, you will be thing, you will lose weight, and your life will change.”

Ick. Ick Ick Ick.

Do I think you should read this?

Have you actually read this fucking review? Gawd no.  Whether you are looking for weight loss advice or information on veganism, there are so many more fantastic sources out there.

How about instead of spending that $10 bucks on a stupid diet book, go donate it to the National Eating Disorders Association or Mercy For Animals. The warm glow in your heart from making a charitable donation will feel so much better then the horrible self-loathing you gain from this book.

I give Skinny Bitch 7 out of 100 heads of lettuce.

Sources:

http://www.ryananddebi.com/2008/05/21/new-review-skinny-bitch/

http://smallbites.andybellatti.com/you-ask-i-answer-skinny-bitch/

http://www.salon.com/2008/02/11/skinny_bitch/

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=thinspo

http://dancingmywaytoperfect.tumblr.com/post/41157475400

http://skinnny-jeans.tumblr.com/post/41068567613

Getting Shit Done With Zen To Done: The Ultimate Simple Productivity Guide

I am a flawed human being, and intensely aware of it. It’s why I’m attracted to self-help, fitness, organization, and productivity books. Most of them are useless. I’ve yet to find a book that was 100% on target with my life, but getting different perspectives on universal problems helps me discover my own solutions.

One of my biggest flaws is my lack of organization. I have no system in place. Everything in my life is a mess. Nothing gets done. Things get piled up and then forgotten.  I’m often drowning under a pile of shit to get done. It’s a crappy way of doing things, but I’ve yet to break the cycle.

This is why “Zen To Done: The Ultimate Simple Productivity System” interests me. Leo Babauta, the guy behind Zen Habits, is someone I’ve looked up to for a while. He struggled with his own bad habits, but was able to pull his shit together. Babauta is living the life he wants to because he overcame the impulses that were weighing him down.

“Zen To Done” has its flaws. Babauta is a blogger, and his writing style reflects that. His writing always has nice brevity, but it causes the whole book to read like a collection of blog posts. Information was needlessly repeated.  Each chapter’s main idea was narrowed to the point of silliness. He writes under the assumption you are already familiar with Zen Habits, David Allen’s Getting Things Done (GTD) system, and “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen Covey.

The core of this book is very helpful. Babauta gives you a list of 10 habits to master, one a month, for the next 10 months. Month one has you collecting information and storing it in the right place; ideas go in your notebook, physical mail goes to the same place in your home, email stays in a single inbox. Then month two has you working on efficiently processing this information. Month three, you start planning on when and how you are going to utilize that information. The skills you learn in the previous month help you accomplish the habit you are trying to form this month.

This book is a great companion GTD; a system I love but found difficult to implement. Babauta explains that this is common for many people. GTD has you trying to make too many behavioral changes at once. It’s easier to make permanent life changes when you break everything down, then tackle one thing at a time. The desire to accomplish everything at once is our downfall.

Some of Babauta’s advice wasn’t helpful in the context of my own life. He thrives on structured routines and regular schedules. My brain doesn’t quite operate that way.  I can benefit from learning more organizational skills; implementing the entire Zen To Done system would make me miserable.

Time for the big question. Do I think you should read this?

Yeah, go for it. At only 114 pages, it is a super quick read. Plus you can download it on Amazon right now for only $2.99. “Zen To Done” isn’t going to fix your organizational problems, but it provides a good kick in the pants and some helpful ideas to get you started.

I give “Zen To Done: The Ultimate Simple Productivity System” 64 out of 100 mustachioed gentlemen.

Potentially Frequently Asked Questions

What is this website?

This is my new blog, Bloompenny.

Bloompenny?

Yes, his name is Bloompenny.

His name?

Yes, my blog is male.

???

No, I’m not crazy.

Why is this new blog a thing?

Short story: My old blog has run its course, and I thought a new space and a fresh start would be helpful.

Long story: Meh, another time.

What will I be writing here?

Stuff. Mostly about books. Sometimes about music.  Occasionally about blogs. Oftentimes about current events.

But books. Mostly books.

Why books?

Because I’ve gotten into the horrible habit of passing over books in favor of blog posts. Blog posts are easier to read, and provide information at a faster rate. But they don’t involve any mental or emotional commitment. I like books. I like blogs.

What kind of books?

All kinds! I plan on reading through the books suggested by Neil DeGrasse Tyson here, starting with The Bible. I also love biographies, histories, collections of humorous essays, comics, YA fiction, fantasy, and self help books.

You like self help books?

Yes. Shuttup.

When are you going to start posting for reals?

Soon. Real, real soon…

This is a test post.

Soon there shall be content, my pretties.

Yes, soon.

But, for now, this is only a test.

You may resume your normal activities.

For now...